When burnout is the elephant in the newsroom Part 2: The parenting edition
My last newsletter about burnout was about work, and why flushing my career at a newspaper down the toilet in search for a happier, more balanced future was the best move I could make for myself.
I didn’t get a chance to touch on how the burnout I experienced working in a newsroom impacted my role as a parent – this topic needed its own post.
So buckle in for some vulnerability.
I cannot stress enough how mind-boggling it is that North American work culture molds us into parents – mothers especially – who should be able to do it all.
By “do it all” I mean, be an ambitious career woman who works long hours while also being a present, nurturing mother who routinely cooks healthy, from-scratch meals for her family with a big smile on her face.
Who decided this was actually possible and desirable?
I think the pandemic and how it blurred work/life boundaries made many of us stop to think about what kind of parent we want to be. The pandemic definitely made me realize I did not want to be the kind of mother I had become: A distracted, rushed and overworked mom.
Social media and the 24/7 news cycle make it impossible for journalists to pull away from work even after the day’s work is done. We always have to know what is happening around us. Even one week away requires catching up on at least a dozen news items you missed.
This industry expectation upsets any kind of work/life balance journalists may try to carve out for themselves. Many of us know this going in — journalism is a career that demands much of our time, mental space and energy. Now imagine this demanding industry culture, but as a journalist working from home. You can’t leave your work at the office, and that boundary between work and home life blurs. Now imagine these conditions as a journalist who is also a parent to young children.
On the surface, working from home seems great if you have little kids.
You can write, take work calls, do interviews, attend meetings, read council agendas, fix snacks and lunches for the kids, help them with their bizarre craft requests (can you tie this tiny piece of string into a ring for me?), put out (theoretical) fires and play referee, remind them to go pee, make sure they wash their hands, read them books, soothe them when they’re sad…wait, wait a minute. How can ANYONE be expected to do all of this without any help?
I did this every time daycare or school was closed during the pandemic, or my kids were home sick. Anyone who has been a parent knows what sick toddlers and kindergarteners can be like – clingy, tired and confused. They need extra hugs and attention. How can a parent give them that while also putting an equal amount of energy into their work? It is possible, but only in the short term, only temporarily.
I lost count of how many days I had either one or both kids at home with me while I worked. And it wasn’t always when a child was sick.
My kids ate dinner and watched virtual council meetings with me nearly every Tuesday night. My husband works a late shift on Tuesdays, so it was up to me to cook dinner, feed the kids, and put them to bed while working.
My kids were both home sick when the Preston Springs Hotel in Cambridge was demolished. Hundreds of people gathered at the foot of the historic building to watch it come down. But I couldn’t go out to the scene on a cold December day with two sick kids in tow, so I made frantic phone calls to everyone I knew who was there to get insight into the devastation that unfolded, all the while my children sat nearby, squishing and shaping play dough on the floor.
And don’t get me wrong here, my husband was always incredibly supportive - he took charge of grocery shopping and house cleaning to ease the burden on me, the work-at-home parent. But no matter how supportive he was, it didn’t ease the burnout that was created by my work environment and newsroom culture.
I wrote about other people’s struggles during the pandemic while ignoring my own: I was losing steam and I didn’t even recognize it.
When I think about all those days now it fills me with dread because yes, I did all of this, however it came at the sacrifice of so much.
The burnout materialized in the worst possible ways. I was quick to lose patience with my children; I was too “busy” to read to them because my eyes were glued to my phone scrolling work emails or Twitter; I rushed through my kids’ bedtime routine to either get back to work, or if I wasn’t working, to find a quiet moment for myself.
This was not the kind of mother I wanted to be. And I didn’t really have anyone who truly understood this dilemma.
It is not easy to be the only mother to young children in the newsroom, but I was. There is empathy from your peers and managers, yes, but not real-time experience to advocate with you and commiserate with you. Expectations to complete work did not falter, and the newspaper grind did not stop. I heard stories from older women about what conditions were like when they had young children 20 or 30 years ago: kids went to evening council meetings when they couldn’t find a babysitter, male editors worked them hard without real consideration. And nothing has changed. Why is that?
This is just another example of how destructive newsroom culture can be, especially at small local newspapers where status quo reigns and there is no desire to change. And you know what? It’s not my job to fix that. I’ll leave it to the privileged older white men in charge…might take a while.
As a culture we applaud those mothers who seem to be able to do it all and thrive in hostile work environments where men are in charge. We congratulate them and want to emulate them, but why?
I used to think of myself as a “do it all” mom, but even then I didn’t feel good enough because some aspect of my life faltered: attention to my kids, my work, my husband, my home, my friends and family.
I now know that I was chasing an unrealistic goal. What I should have been chasing was a healthy work/life balance - one that can allow me to be the kind of mother I want to be while also working in an environment that values a healthy balance between work and life. This is what I’m on the hunt for now.
My children deserve a mother who is present. I want to be that kind of mother. I will remember this no matter where I end up next.
If you made it this far, thanks for reading!
I think there may be a Part 3 percolating - there are lots of feelings to unravel so I don’t think I’m quite done yet. Stay tuned!
This was the perfect followup to the burnout article as parenting while working has pushed my boundaries to their limits like nothing I've ever experienced before. Thank you for sharing your experiences so other working moms like me know we are not the only ones experiencing this.
Anam, these articles couldn’t have been more timely for me. The crucial awareness of work/life balance will be key when I begin working after a 4-year career break. When you’re a parent, that balance affects not only you, but your littles and partner. Not all of us a have a village to raise our kids while we pursue our dreams. My whole family live in Chicago, and my folks are too old to provide the support I need when they do visit on those rare occasions. On a more positive note, I am truly in awe with your writing style. You know how to tell a compelling story. Keep on writing.